The Biblical Foundation for Marriage

Biblically, marriage was instituted by God in the garden of Eden.  As such, it is the oldest of human institutions and relationships.  Only one’s relationship to God has precedence to the marital relationship.

The first three chapters of Genesis record the origins of the marital relationship between man and woman. To properly understand these opening chapters, it is helpful to think of each chapter as attempting to give us three various perspectives of the same story.  Genesis must be understood as a collection of stories told to the children of Israel by Moses as he led the Children of Israel out of their Egyptian enslavement.  These stories were meant to explain why the children of Israel were so special that God would take notice of their plight in Egypt. To understand the biblical view of marriage, one must first understand mankind’s creation.

Now I want to focus on two verses:

26 Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.  Genesis 1:26–27

I would be remiss as a Christian minister to not point out that in verse 26 God says, “Let us make man.” From the very beginning of Scripture we see a plurality in the Godhead. “Let us make man not in our image,” to whom is God talking?

Today’s Jewish rabbis point to the Shema: “Hear O Israel, the Lord your God is one God.”  As Christians, we believe that God is one in essence, yet three in personality – a tri-unity.  “In our image,” mankind (both male and female) have a body, soul and spirit, like our creator.  So in the opening chapter of Genesis we see that God has made man and woman in His image with His own triune features. That God builds His image into us from the beginning elevates us above all the rest of God’s creation. Verse 27 further teaches us that men and women are equally endowed with God’s image and equally valuable to Him.

After the fall, this original equality was broken and for the centuries and millennia to come man has dominated women. You see this societal organization in practically all tribes and cultures throughout history.  Originally, however, when God created man in His own image, male and female he created them, we were created to be co-regents in His world, after His image.

This joint rulership is evident in verse 28, “and God blessed them and said be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it.”  He gives this instruction to both of them. They stand before Him as equal partners on the sixth day of creation.  They are partners who have each received God’s breath and been imbued with life and essence from God.  Peter will later say in 1 Peter that we are co-heirs.  Although God makes man and woman equal and values us identically, it is clear, however, from the beginning that He gives man a leadership role.

In Genesis chapter 2 we learn that Adam was created first.  In Genesis 2:7 “the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man [Adam] became a living being.” Then the man, Adam, is given responsibilities. “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it” Gen. 2:15.

Is there some significance to the fact that man was created first?  Well, frankly, yes. When you read the rest of Scripture you understand that first means something. First, often indicates preeminence. When asked, Jesus said the first or foremost commandment was that we should love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. In other words, this commandment is preeminent. Also, in Scripture being the first born son was important because you received the blessing of the father. Being first born meant you got the birthright.  The Scriptures teach us to seek first the Kingdom of God and these other things will be added to us. First once more means something.

Does Adam being created first mean something? Yes. Being created first is declaring something about the social structure that was to occur between men and women. God creates the man first to help him understand that He has something special for him. His position of leadership is very important.

Consider 1 Timothy:

A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. 1 Timothy 2:11

Why? Ephesus was like a modern city.  It was wealthy; it was filled with liberal thought.  Its primary deity was a woman. If you worshiped in Ephesus you worshiped the goddess Diana. Many of the women in Ephesus were priestesses in the temple of Diana. If you grew up in Ephesus your whole life you would think God was a “she” and not a “he”.

As Paul introduced the gospel and established the Ephesian church he had to establish local leaders.  Paul determined that only men could be elders.  Paul goes on to say, “But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet” (1 Timothy 2:12).  This statement is primarily about the teaching position in the congregation. Why would you say this, Paul? He tells us in the next verse: “For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve” (1 Timothy 2:13).  Paul is going back to the creation accounts of Genesis and is saying that God’s creation of man first was consequential and not merely coincidental. God gave man a leadership role and every man needs to understand this responsibility, especially as he relates to women.

Adam was given an occupation with responsibility prior to Eve’s creation. “Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it” (Genesis 2:15).

Although we don’t know how much time passed between Adam’s creation and Eve’s creation (because no one can say with certainty and precision exactly how long was each day of creation), the point is that God gave Adam this vocational assignment prior to Eve’s creation. Not only does God give Adam a job to perform, He also gives Adam a specific command to obey. He can eat from any tree except one. Adam has been given all this responsibility about the world before Eve is created.

The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; 17 but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.” Genesis 2:16-17

God gave Adam spiritual instruction, but not Eve.  This is not a sign of Eve’s inferiority, but of the man’s responsibility. In Chapter 3, while Eve is talking with the serpent, we wonder why she does not simply tell the serpent what God has said.  Instead, she misquotes what God said.  Why? Because Adam did not adequately instruct his wife.  It was his responsibility.  Eve makes a terrible spiritual decision with Adam standing right beside her; knowledgeable, responsible, but unfortunately silent.  Sound familiar? Don’t we often stand by as people in our family, under our responsibility, make terrible spiritual decisions? All too often we are silent, just like Adam.  Like Adam we often are poor spiritual leaders.

Another example of the responsibility which God gave Adam is that he names the animals.  This is a signal of Adam’s dominion and leadership over creation.

19 Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. Genesis 2:19-20

If I were to build an office building in downtown Atlanta and name it the Warner Smith Tower, I would have some authority there. In the Scriptures, naming something is a sign of authority. When God brought Abram out of Ur, He changed his name to Abraham. When Saul met Christ on the road to Damascus, Jesus changed his name to Paul.  Naming is a sign of a special relationship. When Adam names all the animals he is asserting his dominion.

18 Then the Lord God said, “it is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him. . . . 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The Lord God  fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Genesis 2:18;21-22

The inclusion of this second creation story of how the woman was created is significant. God is revealing that there are significant differences between the man and the woman.  While each is created in God’s image, there are also going to be significant differences.  These profound differences between males and females are more than sociological, they are by God’s design. God is telling us these differences will be significant in how husbands and wives will relate to one another. Husbands and wives spend their lives in a relational dance. Marriage is the most basic organizational relationship on earth.

The Genesis of the Evangelical View of Marriage

The Puritans reacted against the dominant Catholic and Anglican understanding of marriage, which viewed sexual intercourse as directly related to man’s fall, and accepted Genesis 1:22 as the primary Biblical text governing the doctrine of marriage.  This viewpoint made legitimate procreation the main objective of marriage and wrongly elevated celibacy above marriage.  For the Puritans, however, the most important Biblical passage revealing God’s purpose in marriage was Genesis 2:18.  This passage showed that companionship, not procreation, was God’s principal purpose for marriage.  The Puritan understanding also rejected the idea that sexual intercourse was the sin that caused man’s ultimate transgression because, by their reckoning, God had established marriage in the garden of Eden prior to the Fall.  Therefore, since sexual intimacy in marriage was part of God’s plan for man before the Fall, it could not be less so following the Fall.

18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 19 Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.     Genesis 2:18–25

As I understand it, verse 24-25 is the Biblical definition of marriage.  First, it clearly involves a man and a woman.  The idea of same sex marriage totally misses the point of the complementary differences which God has designed into man and woman.  Marriage involves a leaving, cleaving and weaving.  Both marriage partners, the man and the woman, must leave their parents and are to be an independent family.  Next, the man and woman are two individuals who must cleave to one another and become one flesh.  Finally, the man and woman weave together in their sexual union and have no shame in their sexual relations and shared nakedness.

⁴ Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4 (NASB)

Notice that even in marriage there are limits on one’s sexual fulfillment; because, while in the marital relationship sex between the married partners is undefiled, sex between these married partners with some other married person will bring God’s judgment.

Jesus confirms this definition of marriage in Matthew 19:4-6, adding the phrase “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (19:6b).  While there is no prescribed marriage ceremony in the biblical text, I want to point out that Adam and Eve were alone on the planet and that the witness and officiant for their marriage was God Himself.

Christian marriage also requires the couple to publicly present themselves as a married couple.  The only occasion I can find in Scripture where a married man and woman agree not to make their decision public is Abram and Sarai while in Egypt.

10 Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. 11 As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. 12 When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me but will let you live. 13 Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.” 14 When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that she was a very beautiful woman. 15 And when Pharaoh’s officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. 16 He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels. 17 But the Lord inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. 18 So Pharaoh summoned Abram. “What have you done to me?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? 19 Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!” 20 Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had.     Genesis 12:10–20

While Abram’s situation is not identical to couples who live together as man and wife in secret without being officially married, this passage certainly illustrates why it is vital that marriage be made public.  Also, this text reveals that Abram’s choosing whether or not to make his marital contract public does not please God.  Making one’s marriage public based merely on one’s own convenience, even for Abram’s own personal safety, is not pleasing to God.

Another text reveals that the marital relationship has a dramatic impact on us spiritually.  Breaking faith in marriage prevents God from hearing our prayers, even though they are heartfelt and filled with tears.

13 Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. 15 Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 16 “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. Malachi 2:13–16 (NIV)

Malachi 2:14 teaches that marriage is a holy covenant before God. In the Jewish custom, God’s people signed a written agreement at the time of their marriage to seal the covenant. The marriage ceremony is meant to be a public demonstration of a couple’s commitment to this covenant relationship. It’s not the “ceremony” that’s important in a marriage, it’s the couple’s covenant commitment made before God and their fellow men. Unfortunately, too many spend more time and money planning their wedding than they ever spend preparing for their marriage.

In the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, the “Ketubah” on which the Christian wedding is based, a marriage contract is read. In the contract, the husband accepts certain marital responsibilities, such as providing food, shelter and clothing for his wife, and promises to also care for her emotional needs. This contract is so important that the marriage ceremony is not complete until it is signed by the groom and presented to the bride. This demonstrates that both husband and wife see marriage as more than just a physical and emotional union, but also as a moral and legal commitment. The Ketubah is not in effect unless and until it is also signed by two witnesses.  Then and only then is the marriage considered a legally binding agreement.  Remember, in the Jewish understanding there is no distinction between something being legal and religious, both are combined in Jewish thought. The division of life into secular and sacred components is according to Greek understanding and is not biblical.

It is forbidden for Jewish couples to live together without this signed and witnessed marriage contract. For Jews, the marriage covenant symbolically represents the covenant between God and his people, Israel. Remember, God makes His covenant with His people publicly.

In Exodus 24:1-11 the Bible reads:

¹ Then He said to Moses, “Come up to the Lord, you and Aaron, Nadab and Abihu and seventy of the elders of Israel, and you shall worship at a distance. ² “Moses alone, however, shall come near to the Lord, but they shall not come near, nor shall the people come up with him.” ³ Then Moses came and recounted to the people all the words of the Lord and all the ordinances; and all the people answered with one voice and said, “All the words which the Lord has spoken we will do!” ⁴ Moses wrote down all the words of the Lord. Then he arose early in the morning, and built an altar at the foot of the mountain with twelve pillars for the twelve tribes of Israel. ⁵ He sent young men of the sons of Israel, and they offered burnt offerings and sacrificed young bulls as peace offerings to the Lord. ⁶ Moses took half of the blood and put it in basins, and the other half of the blood he sprinkled on the altar. ⁷ Then he took the book of the covenant and read it in the hearing of the people; and they said, “All that the Lord has spoken we will do, and we will be obedient!” ⁸ So Moses took the blood and sprinkled it on the people, and said, “Behold the blood of the covenant, which the Lord has made with you in accordance with all these words.” ⁹ Then Moses went up with Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and seventy of the elders of Israel, ¹⁰ and they saw the God of Israel; and under His feet there appeared to be a pavement of sapphire, as clear as the sky itself. ¹¹ Yet He did not stretch out His hand against the nobles of the sons of Israel; and they saw God, and they ate and drank. Exodus 24:1-11 (NASB)

Jesus also teaches us about marriage indirectly in his encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well.

7 When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) 9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) 10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” 11 “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?” 13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” 16 He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.” 17 “I have no husband,” she replied. Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” 19 “Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. 20 Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.” 21 Jesus declared, “Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22 You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth.” 25 The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.” 26 Then Jesus declared, “I who speak to you am he.”     John 4:7-26

Jesus reveals something very important, which many people miss. In verses 17-18, Jesus said to the woman, “You have correctly said, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; this you have said truly.” The woman had been hiding the fact that the man she was living with was not her husband.

According to the New Bible Commentary notes on this passage of Scripture in John 4, Common Law Marriage had no religious support in the Jewish faith.  Living with a person in sexual union did not constitute a “husband and wife” relationship. Jesus makes plain that the co-habitation between this woman and the man with whom she was living did not make a marriage.   By telling this to a Samaritan, Jesus is teaching us that marriage transcends culture and custom.  Jesus is confirming the Jewish understanding that a marriage contract is binding only when signed by both bride and groom and witnessed and is required for the marriage to exist.  Remember Jesus’ first miracle occurred at a marriage.

Civil Law

In viewing marriage from the point of being obedient to civil authority, one must consider the following passage in Romans.

“Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.” Romans 13:1-2 (NIV)

This text gives additional credence to the idea that a couple is married in the eyes of God when the couple is legally married based on the governing authorities to whom God says we must submit.

A problem with civil authority might arise if a government were to require couples seeking to be married to do something against the laws of God in order to become legally married. This is not currently the case, however, today in the state of Georgia.

Thus, in view of the teaching of this text in Romans, a correct Biblical position for a couple, as believers, would be to submit to the governmental authority and recognize the laws where they live as long as that authority does not require them to break God’s law.

According to Georgia law: Marriage is a civil contract, sanctioned by the state and accorded special treatment in the law in Georgia.  It is encouraged by the state as a matter of public interest and concern.  Marriage is favored by the state for the education, care and maintenance, support, control, and custody of minor children.

Until 2003, marriage was the only relationship in which sexual intercourse between consenting adults was lawful. Prior to 2003 it was a crime known as fornication for any unmarried persons to have sex even if it was consensual (the age of consent for sex in Georgia is 16). Although the Georgia Supreme Court has struck down the law making fornication a crime, it continues to be a crime known as statutory rape to have sex with someone (other than a spouse) who is under the age of 16, even if that person consents.

Many people today live together without the benefit of being married, making statements like, “a piece of paper won’t make any difference. It’s our love and private commitment to each other that matters.”  The bottom line is that although we may come up with reasons (or excuses) not to obey God, the life of faith requires surrender and obedience to our Lord. He will always bless obedience!

Marriage was instituted by God in the garden of Eden.  When Abram and Sarai denied publicly that they were married, God was not pleased – even though the purpose of their denial was to protect Abram’s life.  For God’s people there is no distinction between the secular and the sacred, no separation of what is legal and what is moral. In Jewish law, based on their understanding, marriage is not binding and effectual (in our terms legal) until it was made public by being witnessed by at least two other people besides the bride and groom.  This is one reason why Jesus could instruct the Samaritan woman that while she did live with a man, living together did not equal a marital relationship. Furthermore, if we are to be wholly obedient to God and submit to the civil authority over us, we must also accept that marriage in our culture is also a civil contract, sanctioned by the state and accorded special treatment in the law of Georgia.

“You will experience all these blessings if you obey the Lord your God.” Deuteronomy 28:2 (NLT)

Christian Marriage

Other than being against the teaching of Scriptures, another problem with those who co- habitate is that they pervert the God given role of being a husband.  Being a godly husband is difficult and is intended to demonstrate to the world how Christ loves His bride, the church.  Ephesians chapter 5 is very instructive here.

1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them. 8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14 for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” 15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.     Ephesians 5:1–33

The context of Paul’s instruction on marriage is imitating God and living a life of love.  Among all of the various forms of sin which we have been delivered from as the children of light is sexual immorality.  In fact, according to this text we are not to have even the “hint of sexual immorality among us” because this is improper among God’s people.

The marital relationship is God’s answer to sexual immorality.  Many will deceive us, Paul says, about how important living purely before God is; but we are not to be influenced by them or even to mention their deeds among us.  Instead we are to “be very careful” in “how we live” and understand what God’s will is.

After reminding us that we must be filled with the Spirit, Paul then tells us to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” He then continues by explaining what living a life of love looks like in the family.  Such a life is not immoral, but is careful in how we live. Paul tells us that in the marital relationship the husband’s role is the same as Christ’s role toward His bride, the church.  Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church.  This is a very high bar indeed.

Practically, the man who lives with a woman without the benefit of a biblical and legal marriage is not thinking of her benefit, but is being selfish. He is not giving himself up for her, but is having his way with her while not giving her the benefits which are to be enumerated in the marriage contract. One who does not fully and completely become her husband is not accepting the marital responsibilities which include providing food, shelter and clothing and also promising to care for her emotional needs. If one is honest, he will find that being in a legally committed relationship is most often an emotional need for the large majority of women who find themselves in co-habitation with a man. Furthermore, a man who lives with a woman without being married to her is not attempting to make her holy, but is continuing to walk and lead her in the former ways of darkness.  This is not how a Christian man is to love himself, His Lord, or his wife.

Peter uses fewer words to make a similar point. He writes,

7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 1 Peter 3:7 (NIV)

For a Christian man to live with a woman without being married to her is not to be considerate of her.  Such a man is placing her reputation at risk for his own pleasure.  Such men make the same mistake Adam made with Eve in not giving her sufficient information concerning the forbidden fruit, thus setting the stage for a fall.  In the same way, living with a woman without marrying her is either a refusal or a serious error in judgment not to teach her the proper place God has given sex in the Christian life.  If the man and woman have children, these children are also done a huge disservice by the very adults who are supposed to raising them in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

I would argue that any man cannot treat the woman he claims to love with respect while knowing her sexually and not being married to her.  I believe that unless it is public and legal it is not a biblical marriage.

Everything we do in the Christian life is public.  We have a public invitation in church because we want people to accept Christ publicly.  We have baptism in public and never in private precisely for this purpose.  We take communion together in public because we want everyone to understand that our relationship is lived publicly in a community.  So, too, we give and make vows of marriage in public.

Stepping out in faith and obedience requires us to trust in the Master as we follow His will. There is absolutely nothing we will give up for the sake of obedience that will compare to the blessing and joy of obedience.